Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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