Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I want to make a zoo with you.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
