and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
