Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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