I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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