My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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