Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize