Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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