Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
