life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
