i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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