I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
do nipples grow back?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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