I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
