When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
