If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
