Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
