Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
there's paper in my vomit.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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