She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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