I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
