Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
