that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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