the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
