He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
