I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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