Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
