No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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