WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
