not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
