The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
His nipple licking is glorious
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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