i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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