Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
