I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
