toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
