who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize