If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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