I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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