John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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