I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
