I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
