Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
