dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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