You smell like stripper and shame
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I touched a dick in church today
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
