i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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