It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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