guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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