She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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