I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
