why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
