Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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