Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
