Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
