She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
