Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
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Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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