It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
