He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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