I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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