Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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