So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
